Friday, December 2, 2011

The tale of the curl who dreamed of being straight. Potentially.

As Oprah used to say: “Here’s what I know for sure…”

1. I wish I had straight hair. But every time I get my hair straightened, I want my broccoli back. Gwyneth Paltrow was right when she said that straight hair is better than curls, because you just pat it down or tie it back and you always look polished (I may have paraphrased, but thank you, Ms Perfect, for that thought.)  

Curly Hair = Crazy. No potential at all. Jail for you, sonny.

Straight Hair = Perfect. Potential for anything. Ready to face the world.
 2. I don’t care for instruction booklets, to wit, I recently purchased a hair relaxing kit for $15 at the local African “we sell everything from bags to blankets, from goats to hair relaxing kits” in the local mall that is mostly empty, except for African ladies with incredibly straight hair (might be wigs, not sure). The kit included  a little, concertina’d, full-colour booklet. Istarted reading it but got bored after “Put on latex gloves…”
Thirteen minutes in (of 15) and my head is burning. I want a coffee but think it best if I go have a shower and get this stuff washed out or there might be a repeat of the “Amsterdam incident” when Jeff went banana blond. He went to bed with the shakes and woke up with his head stuck to the pillow. Ew. But he looked positively cool.
3. My mother was right when she said “cu bedda vo pariri, u duluri a sintiri” (it’s the only time she’s been right about anything).
And (Oprah never said this) here’s one thing (among many) that I don’t know for sure:
* Just as “vulnerable” is the most beautiful word, is “potential“, the most horrible?
1. possible, as opposed to actual: the potential uses of nuclear energy.
2. capable of being or becoming: a potential danger to safety.
3. Grammar . expressing possibility

 is for dreamers, always wondering what might be, and making lists of things they might not do.  
Potential makes parents think that their kids are not so normal after all. Viz -“Sure he’s great at making vegemite toastnow, but he has the potential to be a Masterchef!”
Potential makes us dream of a brighter future. Viz – “I know if I stick with it, I have the potential to become a great writer.”
Potential makes me wonder if the world would be easier to navigate if I had straight hair, as in, “sometimes the world sucks, but if I had straight hair, it could very well be great. Potentially.”
I wonder, do old people think in terms of potential?

P.S. I think the relaxer worked! I’m freaking out a little. What does one do with permanently straightened hair? I asked Jeff this very question earlier, to which he responded, cleverly, “wear it like a woman with straight hair wishing she had curly hair.” Smartypants.

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